The 100 days pray for mum’s death just over 2 weeks ago. I still cannot believe I am actually pray all these for her. Maybe because I left home since 18 for further studies and work, and already used not to see her everyday, until now sometimes I still think she is at home and I am just in Singapore and don’t see her. That’s all.
However, the tears just keep on rolling down whenever I see her photo in my rented room. Facing the photo, I asked how she is now? I explained to her when and how we will pray for her, I blamed her for not loving me enough, I said sorry to her for could not help her to live longer, I chatted to her how sister & brother nowadays. Even talking so much to the photo, it doesn’t really give me the feel that she really left us. Still so unreal, so hard to accept. I kept on telling myself, if my friends able to accept their parents left them when they were younger than me, why can’t I? I don’t know, or maybe still confused. Not in this world anymore? Or just as usual staying in hometown?
Going back to hometown for praying few times, I forced myself to face. See? This stuff was buying to pray mum, that stuff is packed for praying. I kept on reminding myself all of these were for PRAYING. The bed is empty!! Gosh!! How long must it take to overcome all these?
Just before mum’s 49 days pray, I had a dream that I will only live until 35. I am 34 now so 1 year + to live. I start to wonder what if I can only live 1 more year, how will I live for the remaining days? I still remember before hospitalised, mum was so calm and told me everyday just at home watching TV, nothing to look forward to. If really to die, let it be. However, I also remember very clearly when she was hospitalised and seemed like getting worse, how anxious and desperate when she told me she was so afraid couldn’t see us anymore. Will everyone have the last minute panic when the time comes?
I am not a saint, or a hero. I also understand the moment before death must be scary and maybe painful. I just hope I will have enough courage to face and have my trust on mankind until the very last moment. I must build up the courage before my time comes, may it be 1 year, 2 year or many years later.
