Courage to live and face

The 100 days pray for mum’s death just over 2 weeks ago. I still cannot believe I am actually pray all these for her. Maybe because I left home since 18 for further studies and work, and already used not to see her everyday, until now sometimes I still think she is at home and I am just in Singapore and don’t see her. That’s all.

However, the tears just keep on rolling down whenever I see her photo in my rented room. Facing the photo, I asked how she is now? I explained to her when and how we will pray for her, I blamed her for not loving me enough, I said sorry to her for could not help her to live longer, I chatted to her how sister & brother nowadays. Even talking so much to the photo, it doesn’t really give me the feel that she really left us. Still so unreal, so hard to accept. I kept on telling myself, if my friends able to accept their parents left them when they were younger than me, why can’t I? I don’t know, or maybe still confused. Not in this world anymore? Or just as usual staying in hometown?

Going back to hometown for praying few times, I forced myself to face. See? This stuff was buying to pray mum, that stuff is packed for praying. I kept on reminding myself all of these were for PRAYING. The bed is empty!! Gosh!! How long must it take to overcome all these?

Just before mum’s 49 days pray, I had a dream that I will only live until 35. I am 34 now so 1 year + to live. I start to wonder what if I can only live 1 more year, how will I live for the remaining days? I still remember before hospitalised, mum was so calm and told me everyday just at home watching TV, nothing to look forward to. If really to die, let it be. However, I also remember very clearly when she was hospitalised and seemed like getting worse, how anxious and desperate when she told me she was so afraid couldn’t see us anymore. Will everyone have the last minute panic when the time comes?

I am not a saint, or a hero. I also understand the moment before death must be scary and maybe painful. I just hope I will have enough courage to face and have my trust on mankind until the very last moment. I must build up the courage before my time comes, may it be 1 year, 2 year or many years later.

人生吧，

0歲出場，10歲快樂成長；20為情彷徨；30基本定向；40拼命打闖；50回頭望望；

60告老還鄉；70搓搓麻將；80曬曬太陽；90躺在床上；100掛在牆上...

Thanks to Naruto

Haha... wondering why i thank to Naruto (a Japanese anim character)?

I have been watching Naruto so quite a long time & at my age, hardly can find someone to chat on this topic. Although some guys watching, we don't talk much. The most will be asking if watched the latest release or not.

But but... last weekend when I spent few days at my sister place. What a surprise was her 2 kids start to watch Naruto!! They only watched few VCD and still not familiar with the characters & the story. Haha... suddenly they admire me so much and we had been so crazy over naruto these few days. Telling them story, asking me questions and even bought the PS2 games, playing and eatig lollipop. I went to my bro-in-law's parent place.. guess what? haha.. all the kids there also started to watch & play Naruto. They suddenly become so close to me & even want to challenge me on PS2 Naruto. Wahaha... so much fun.

At nite, i told my sister.. last time was hang around with my brother & his friends, now is talking Naruto & always eating lollipop with your kids.. no age gap.. Think maybe cuz i never grow up.

Hmm... What if they grow up & will I have no companions anymore? Haha.. suddenly across my mind.... not to worry, think by that time my brother will be married & have kids and I will have them as new companions. Yeah!!

What you like or what others like

I just msn with my brother and i was complaining him why always forgot to wish me happy birthday (my birthday just passed 2 days ago). He told me he don't really wish ppl birthday nowadays. Haih....

Sometimes i really wonder how ppl think. Of cuz i don't headcount who had wished me birthday and request all my friends to do this, but you will just automatically take note those whom you really mind, closer.. those have some "places" in your heart. If this is my birthday & I really hope to have your wish, why can't you just give your wish? This is my birthday, not yours.

If you care enough for that person, you should not think what you want or like. You should think from her angle. During mum's hospitalization, sitting there & said i was here to take care of her definitely is not good enough. Think from her angle... what did she want? Stomach bloating, then should rub her stomach try to let her pee or shit; lying on bed so long, then should her some massage; fever & changing the towels, should make sure the towel didn't wet the bed; make sure her head is not bending... & say more encourage words. Don't just say i am not good at doing this, you do better. Very simple, if you were her lying there, what you will want others do for you? Maybe you will say i won't want to rely on or let others suffer with me, but you have to think if you were her... with her character, not yours.

It reminds me.. next tuesday will be my mum's 49th day. My sister always wants to pray on weekends so we always pray earlier. But 49th day is consider a big day, even so she still doesn't want to take leave & her work is only half an hour a day. However she is willing to take leave when her kids sick or have other things to do. Why? cuz her heart is not here. When mum is still alive, she always gives in to my sister. Now even after death, still the same? I really cannot understand is cannot comprehand or being too ignorant. I remember my teacher taught the class "ignorant" & "innocent", she told us innocence is good but when ppl said you are ignorant is not a good thing.

Unexpected out of Expectation

It had been awhile since I last updated my blog. I started to go back to hometown every weekend, worried if my mum had food to eat, accompanied her to hospital for check up and hope I will have chance to see doctor. Her diarrhoea didn't have any improvement. The last time the doctor said most likely she only left 4 month's life & started to have many check ups for further detail. Days after days, still no outcome.

I didn’t even believe what the doctor’s “4 months” talk and thought he must be wrong. Until 1 day before mum passed away, a doctor approached us & told me that most parts of her liver already spoilt and actually now most of the organs were not function, leaving the heart & lung relied on the machine. Speechless.. is the only word I could think of.

Still remember it was end of Aug.... Malaysia National Day, the last weekend before mum hospitalised, mum & I went to shopping centre, and she thought of buying mooncake (her favourite) but I told her it was not good for her health and didn't buy for her. If I knew that was her last chance to eat it, would I do the same?

I had my hair cut last nite. It was cut by my friend who is still an apprentice in the hair saloon, so free hair cut, but guinea pig. Wei wei wei... don't get me wrong. I am not go for it cuz it is free, but just for friend's sake.


I was sitting there for 2 hours cuz he will cut & the boss to come & check or teach half way. Cutting & blowing, i felt very tired after leaving there around 10pm.

Today i went to office, was expecting some comments from colleagues... but what a surprise!! only female colleagues noticed i had my hair cut. In the end, i cannot bear anymore & decided to ask a male colleague. Didn't you notice my hair cut?

Oops!! I thought you got no time to comb your hair this morning so didn't say anything.

What!!! Haih....

Every moment is the moment

I always try to post something funny or interesting in my blog, hoping to cheer up my friends. But forgive me that i could not this round. I had been feeling shocked, down and upset over these few days.

Suspect liver cancer, most likely left 4 months life if without any treatments..... and is my mum. Blank.. speechless... What else could i say? My mum and I have very poor relationship and it is a wound that will never recover. Knowing this news from my brother, i got a shock and started to wonder.. should i go back to visit her or not? The person I once loved the most in the world and now become the person I hate.. both feeling are so much strong. What should i do?

Could not get sleep well, hard to concentrate on work, keep on wondering & asking myself. 4 months just keep spinning in my mind. Such a short period, will i fulfill her wishes in time? and can i afford? She will have another scan next week and know the result early of Aug. Not sure if transplant is suitable for her as how bad the situation is now and she has diabetes as well.

Suddenly i feel 4 months is such a short time. How fragile a life is and how lucky you, me, they.. all of us reading, gossiping, complaining.. at least we are real, experience every moment of life, either good or bad. What will you do if you only left 4 months life? Live without regret cuz every moment is the moment.

Unpredictable

Recently, I have 2 friends promoted to "parents" level. They are so happy. One even updating her baby's blog frequently, sharing the photos & happiness around.

Later, suddenly another friend was hospitalised due to appendix burst. Such a horrible news and I could not think what would happen.. the fear of losing friends crawling back again. Thanks to God, he is miraculously survived. It is really a rare case that ppl survived from appendix burst, especially the doctor only dscovered after burst for 5 days. Such a lucky guy!! I don't know if my friend will change his thinking after survive from this incident cuz i always heard those ppl who nearly die and survive always change their thinking a lot after that.

After going to hospital few times with different feeling, suddenly I feel hospital is a complicated stopover place.... welcoming new lives, mourning lives fade off. It makes me feel life is so unpreditable.

Perhentian Island... I miss you!!

Wow wow wow~~~ This trip... the water are soooo clear, sand is soooo fine, hot sun and bikini ladies... slurp. :P

Oh.. 1st of all.. where's perhentian island? It was on the "top" (north) of rendang island, in Kelatan state (in Malaysia... I got friend said in Indonesia!! Not Indonesia!!). From jetty to the island takes around half an hour and at anytime. But coming back from island to jetty, only 3 times a day and the journey from jetty to airport takes 1 hour. So gotta calculate the time, don't miss the flight.

1st day reach the island, i started to think... how to spend 1 week on this small island? See fishes. Snorkle? Nope, i never try before.. bit afraid and doubt how many fishes could i see?

Well, thanks to my friend went to sign up the advance diving, then kept on saying to me... you can just do some boring snorkelling over the whole week. What!!! :< Then start to enourage me to try the scuba discovery which only 1 dive & cost RM200. Hm.. that's expensive. I started to look at the price list and decided to try half course of open water first. If everything goes fine, i will just need to top up the difference & complete the full course. With bit fear, I managed to finish the whole open water after 3-4 days. :D

The next day a mini jungle trekking & followed sun tanned. Gosh!!! It ended up we found a part of the beach where you totally no need to dive nor snorkle. You just walk... up to the knees, you will see lots of fishes and few corals. If walk a bit further up to your chest... gosh!! there's clown fish (nemo). The 2nd last day we had canoeing. We were tired and started to have arguements, then saying sorry after reach the beach.

Eating was really expensive there. Roti canai which was sold around RM0.80 outside, it was sold at RM2 each & min. order was 2 pcs. Coffee or tea also sold at RM2, but but if you order teh tarik.. it will be double to RM4. Gosh!! i never know the labour charges for "tarik" the tea is so expensive!!!

Accomodation will be much depend on individuals. Cheapskate ppl like me.. of cuz chose the cheapest.. no hot water, only fan, a chalet at RM60 per nite. Have to say.. think sometimes a meal was more expensive than 1 nite's accomodation.

After this trip, i realised sometimes i am really naive and stubborn and had embarrassed myself few times during this holiday. Thanks for compromising all the time and thanks for the trip, i have better view of myself. A small but beautiful island... I miss it so much.

Shanghai...

Muahaha... Back! back! Fish is back!! :D

Despite of strong objections from my whole family & most of my friends due to the snowstorm disaster in China, sturbborn fish still swam all the way to Shanghai.

What a disappointed was... where's the snow? Snowing already stopped just 1 day before i arrived.. Sob sob. :"( Weather was good, & as i got used to the weather after 2 days, i started to wear lesser & lesser. In the end only the jacket & 1 long sleeve shirt inside. :D

How's the impression? Hmm... sorry to say, air pollution was horrible. Everyday i went back & wiped my face.. Gosh!! my tissue black black!! I also didn't really appreciate the food there. End up i only took local dishes on first day, the remaining 1 whole week i was taking japanese, korean & western food.

Had my hair rebonded there. Through the hair dresser, i was surprised that watching movie is absolutely a luxury activities (well, at least to me). They don't have standard price for all movies. Latest movies will be around RMB 100 (equivalent S$ 20) and old movies will be around RMB 35 (S$7). They only buy pirated DVD which only RMB5 (S$1). What a big difference!! It really hard for people to burn their pocket to support original production.

Anyone likes fireworks? Please spend your Chinese New Year in China. No more squeezing at crowded spot, just to wait for the precious 10 minutes fireworks. Fireworks were everywhere. I had watched fireworks the whole week. All you need to do is looking at the sky... they just sparkling from all directions. But.. but... stop stop!! tooooo much!!! I could hear the noise of firework and fire cracker even when i slept, especially on 5th day of Chinese New Year they were welcoming "Prosperity God".... Through out the whole night until early morning 5am...

Heard before Shanghai has latest fashion.. hmm... gotta shop a bit. There are few underground "fake market" and you have to bargain all the way. I am really poor at bargaining stuff and my friend had to bargain for me through the whole process. Thanks a lot!! :P Another day i decide to go those "proper" shopping centre where no bargain needed, all fixed price. Once i stepped into the shopping mall, i almost fainted. So smelly~~ Especially in winter, the heater was on in shopping mall and with such big crowd sqeezing their way. Within half an hour, i already retreat myself and went back with empty hands. What i bought for the whole trip? Nothing, only some local tibits for office colleagues, 2 long sleeves & 1 jeans. Oh.. & 1 luaggage bag. That's all.

Oh.. you won't want to miss the sceneries that. There is a famous garden "Yu Garden", which near theCheng Huang Temple. Once you are in, you will think you are in those kungfu times. Haha.a.. old China buildings. Another one will be the "DongFang MingZhu" (Oriental Pearl building), gotta go there at night & take a good view of Shanghai night. If looking for some chilled out places, don't miss to go XinTianDi in Puxi.

English lesson 翻白眼 = Rolling Eyes?? or Flip White Eyes??

Heee... Time to gossip again.

There was 1 time, a female colleage & I had a bet on if our young & pretty auditor is Malay or Chinese. The loser had to "翻白眼" in front of our boss everyday for 1 week. Haha.. crazy mind.. :P my colleague was soo damn sure she would win & even suggested to extend to be 2 weeks. With great confidence, she asked this auditor... " May i know you are Malay or Chinese?"

She answer, "I am Chinese!! Why? I look like Malay cuz i am dark."

Muahaha.... I just could not stop laughing, jumping up and down. After lunch, I just couldn't help myself from telling boss about this bet i just won. Oh.. no.. Excuse me, boss.. look at my eyes, how do you call this? I demo 翻白眼 in front of him. My poor boss, he start to think think & think.. in the end he said.. "rolling eyes".

What? Rolling eyes!! are you kidding me? I know what does it call in mandarin.. it is "flip white eyes"!!! I am so disappointed.. you don't know how to say in own language? I demo him what's rolling eyes & this so-called flip white eyes. Still he said.. rolling eyes.

Hmm... such a disappointment. Guess they never do this to people.

Where heart belonged to

Already long used to be alone outside, but still feel lonely sometimes.
Ever since fall out with family, i seldom go back "home". I really wonder if it still can be called as home, family, parents... it just suddenly become so hard to speak out of my mouth. The love and the agony are equally strong. I really wonder when my angel and devil will end their war and let me have a clearer mind to face all these mess.
Nowadays going back is not longer an easy job anymore. Have to ask around... sister, brother, friends.. anyone? Anyone who can occupy my time in hometown? Of cuz i miss mum very much, but it won't take long for us start arguing and quarreling. I just need to go back, glance, peek if she is fine as & when i passing by living room, going out or coming back. What kind of daughter i am!! Yes, you must think I am such a heartless daughter. I always cry whenever think of my family, and always cannot understand how she can be so determined. I will never forget what she said, “ Sacrifice you is better than us”. "Family" is always a heart cutting word for me, but again, those people in it are always where my deepest love belonged to.

Trip trip!! Treat treat!!

Wah wah!! Fish is really busy nowadays. Extremely busy at work, feel so stress!! After work, more stress... no time to pack for my coming trips. Where's fish going? Haha... Swimming to Kuala Lumpur visiting my dear friends and nice ex-colleagues.. Oh!! Not to forget those yummy yummy food!! Hope fish won't turn into a giant whale after satisfy her taste buds. :P

Heehee... did someone notice i mentioned trip"s"? "S"... Oh!! Yes, yes, fish not only going for KL trip, but will be going to Shanghai during CNY as well. Errr... i know it is quite strange to go during winter & holiday. I just checked "Lonely Planet"... it said "avoid the Chinese New Year; the city grinds to a halt and public transport is flooded." (see my link to Lonely Planet for Shanghai City?) Well, let's see... please put all your fingers cross & pray for me. :D

Hmm Hmm... think my pocket will get burnt very soon cuz my another friend already asking me to go Beijing in this April. My colleagues think of going to Hong Kong or Macau or Bangkok... Faint. Think fish gotta measure her pocket size & plan the schedule.

Haha... :D Guess it is a "travel" year for fish.